Diabetes Daily: Lows and some Highs

     Times when I have a low blood sugar it makes me feel week and tired. It makes me feel as if it is not me at all, kind of like an out of body experience. It feels off in some sort of way, whenever I am experiencing a low blood sugar. One time I remember, I felt a low blood sugar coming low, it felt as if I had smoked marijuana or something like that. It felt weirdly off and awkward. I didn't know explain it to anyone or tell the people I was working with what was happening, or how I was feeling. All I was able to quickly think of was asking for a juice. I am not sure why it was the first thing to my mind, but it did, but I am glad I did though. I just in a way knew how speak up whenever I were to have a low blood sugar. I though shut down; I even forget how to even speak. I get dumb when my blood sugar gets low, I dislike it very so much. I don't know how else to describe how it feels for me to have a low blood sugar. I have had quite a few times where I wake up while having a low blood sugar seizure. It feels wrong, my body feels like I can barely move it. I feel like a damn robot. It feels like I lose control of my body. I feel like my limbs are stuck however my body is laying down, somehow though I manage to lay on my side, just in case of anything. On times like this, I am glad I have a smart phone, where I can just say "hey siri call...." I honestly have never felt glad to have a smart phone, for when times like such come up. 

    Now when it comes to a stupid high blood sugar, it feels like dying in some way. I feel dryer than the Sahara Desert. I cannot stop drinking water while I run to the restroom. I have had those times when I have had DKA, and it feels like I'm dying. It does not feel pretty how horrendous it feels. Aside from feeling dryer than the Sahara Desert, I feel hunger, though no matter how much water I may drink, it feels that the thirst does not quench at all. At the same time, I pee more than I drunk it feels like. The hunger part, it feels like even if I eat no matter how much, I lose weight like dumb. I as well vomit, and my body cannot hold anything, not even water, that is when is extremely bad DKA wise. It never felt great, the times I was experiencing all of that, it never felt great at all. At one point I told myself, "Maybe it's time to pass on, so you do not have to deal with Diabetes anymore.

    Same negative talk I've had it when I experience extremely low blood sugars, that includes the ones where I woken up while having a seizure. None of those two highs or lows ever okay in any shape, way or form. Let alone having to deal with diabetes every single day at every hour minute or second. It sucks having to deal with diabetes, I dislike diabetes, I very so much dislike I was ever diagnose I was ever diagnosed with it. But one of the things I dislike the most, is when people tell me or say I don't ever try hard enough, or that I don't ever do my best to take care of myself or my diabetes. As if they knew how difficult it is to manage it in the first place. I didn't ask to be a Diabetic. I never asked for a chronic illness at all, especially when your only six years old. 

    Diabetes has thought me so much, so very much and I am grateful for that, even though I dislike having Diabetes, I am glad I learn many things every day, even to this day, I still learn many things from having diabetes. There's never a damn dull day every. There is many resources and help guide I can always go to, if I were to have difficulties with something, whether is diabetes wise or medications or whatever it is. There is resources out there for any of us to try. I would like them down below for you if you needed resources for anything or help.

Diabetes Assication

JDRF

https://www.jdrf.org/

Work & Blood Sugars…

     So, today while at work, my blood sugar went horribly low, or at least is how I felt it. Stupid low, it was at 44. Im glad I wasn’t on my own when it went that low, I had two security officers with me while I was doing my job. Im glad they where with me and I was able to get the help that I needed, such as getting me a cup of orange juice and a granola bar. I appreciate that so very much for the help and not letting me pass out with seizures. As well as calling someone that I work with to help me with what I needed help with. It was a dumb thing to do but somehow I needed help opening a door from an atm which is easy to do, but I needed some help opening the darn door, though Im glad I had someone helping me, even if it was just for that. 

    Letting people I work with that I have diabetes, it helps in many ways than others, such as them knowing if and when I may need the help. Or even if they ask me what my Dexcom or insulin pump is. I explain what it is for, some may ask what it is and that’s where I come in and explain what it is and such. I rather people ask me what the Dexcom is and what is used for. In some way I am teaching the person about my diabetes and what the thing on my arm is for along with the insulin pump just the in case they may work with someone like my self in the future.

    I am very happy that I work with people that even though some of them do not understand so much about the diabetes it self, they are willing to learn something here and there, and the ones who understand are willing to help even if is just to get me a cup of juice, candy or even just some damn water. I have an amazing group of people I work with that are remotely willing to help and understand or learn even just a little, I don’t know how I got so lucky in that sense. Im grateful even my manager is very understanding about such thing as well. 

Diabetes talk anyone??

  Hey everyone!! Is been so long I have been on here, been busy lately but now I have more time to post on here. Anyway! I've been thinking lately about how diabetes has affected my life in many ways yet made it better in other ways as well. The past few days I've experienced lows to the point I wasn't feeling half of my body. Which is not good at all and I do not know why or how that comes. It scares me that some days I'm not gonna wake up one of these days. No I'm not saying that I do not take care of my self because I do in so many ways than others and some people think I am not doing so just because I've experienced lows or highs for so many days in a row. How does that translate that I am not taking care of my self what so ever. Why can any one see how hard I try to take care of my self. How is it possible that everyone sees the bad but not the good I've done for my self. It makes me feel like I am not trying or doing my best at all, and it makes me feel like shit. Living with Diabetes is hard and stupid enough for others to tell me I am not doing my best enough to deal with Diabetes every day that I get scared I will not wake up one of these days at all. I feel like shit already just having Diabetes and dealing with it for people telling me I am not doing the best I can or that is not good enough what I do. Weather I do my best or not to manage my diabetes seems like is never enough to someone else.
   I am honestly scared that one day I will not wake up at all, and I do not ever want that to happen and hurt my family because of that. I hate having diabetes and dealing with it 24/7/365 its difficult dealing and managing it all the time. Some days I want to give it up but I don't because I want to see my loved ones one more time/day.

Diabetes and I

   There is days at times where I find my self upset/sad with my self because I at times ask my self what in the world did I do so wrong to end up with a chronic illness such as Diabetes. Why did it had to choose me of all people at the age of fucking seven years old to get diagnosed with Diabetes. I often ask/say to my self Diabetes ruined my life in many ways but at the same time it did not. More often than not I find my self crying my self to sleep, talking to my mom and boyfriend and people talking about my Diabetes even though most do not understand what the hell I am talking about anyway. Some say to me 'well why are you saying that would you have rather being diagnosed with Cancer??' and that is one of the many things my moms has have said to me before as well. And  it makes me feel like shit because even though she is my mother she does not understand me the majority of the time on what is like to fight for my life everyday just for her to see me another day or even talk to her on the phone. It makes me feel sad that most days my mother does not understand me at all. Yet I do not blame her at all, because I too sometimes do not understand others with a different kind of chronic illness than mine. Yet I always find a way to understand and learn about it, so why is it that when I want a listening ear no one could understand me or at least listen, but I am the one that needs to understand someone else.
   Most of the time I want to quit all of this, and stop taking care my self just to live another day. But I don't stop, why?? Because I am a strong person and I know I will defeat Diabetes. Like my mom once told me, "sometimes the strongest people have to show someone how strong they can really be even with a chronic illness such as yours. Even the strongest people need to be defeated a little with a chronic illness such as yours just to show how strong you really are.".....that is one of the many things she said to me the last time I was with her as well as "Be as strong as you can be love, don't let Diabetes stop you because I know you are one of the strongest people I know, there for don't let Diabetes stop you nor defeat you, Honey promise me that."
   I know I am strong enough to not let this shitty chronic illness stop me but sometimes I let it defeat me because there are days I am just as sick and tiered of this shit as anybody will if they had it. Sometimes I just cannot handle it anymore and I want it to just destroy me for good so I will not suffer anymore. But I wont because I want to see what lies ahead of me when I hit 50yrs. or even 105yrs. Just some days are just to sickening, and stupid, and I do not want to deal with this shit anymore.

http://thediabetesheroes.com/

How I feel having Diabetes Type 1......

   So it's about 4:30am....wee hours of the night early hours of the morning. I was about to go to bed when I started thinking about my life having Diabetes. It's difficult yes the majority of the time, because I want to give it all up and live my life as a "normal" person without having to worry about carb counting, or pricking my fingers nor I want to inject insulin every so often a day. Nor I like feeling the way I feel when my blood sugars drop so low or  go sky high. It is not a damn good fucking feeling. Yes I do feel depressed and disgusted about it because I never asked to have this life as a diabetic at all. It was given to me without asking for it. I hate it I feel disgusted living like that.
   I even cry because why did I have to be diagnosed with Diabetes at such a young age. I get scared on the what if I don't wake up, what if I don't make it to be an old lady, just the what if's that I don't get to do anymore. What if I end up in the hospital one last time and I never get to come out of there anymore. I don't what to be afraid for my life anymore, I don't want to have to worry about my blood sugars nor doing anything at all that I do now as a Diabetic. I don't want my family to worry about me or how my blood sugars are anymore. Yes I fucking have being a diabetic so bad, I despise it so bad. I often as my self what did I ever do to be a diabetic. Was I such that bad of a person that now in this life I got diagnosed with diabetes at such a young age??? I often wonder why did it had to be me and not someone else that is able to afford this fucking life. I can barely buy my self a damn soda when it drops, how the fuck am I supposed to afford a $900ish something insulin to keep me alive for a month. I cant afford being a diabetic, neither does anyone else. Its too expensive, fucking scientists make profit while we barely can afford a damn drop of insulin, half a strip, a barely new meter, and any other things that we may need to survive another second.
   How is this fair for any diabetic. How come there is a cure for everything else but diabetes. How come its too difficult to find a cure for diabetes but easy to make newer insulin and newer products for diabetes that cost a lot more, but so hard to find a cure for diabetes that will most likely cost a lot less. I don't want to be afraid for my life anymore, I do not want to have to worry about how many carbs I ate nor I want to prick my fingers or inject or do anything else diabetes related. I just want to live like a normal person without diabetes and not have to worry about it ever again in my life. I want to live a diabetes free life. How hard is that to ask, that I want a cure for diabetes. I don't think is that difficult at all.

Love Venuz <3 <3 <3